"Creativity is a responsibility"... a phrase I saw on one of those "inspirational" videos.
I'm realizing that whatever it is I exist on this planet for... the expression of story, understanding, emotion, wisdom... hell... the expression of my personal truth... is becoming hidden, obscured, belittled, and made of lesser and lesser consequence by the vagaries of life and the crass information overload offered by the internet. Millions of shouting voices, saying nothing, and I'm down here under their armpits trying to squeeze my mouth upward to shout, too.
If I have something to say--in art, or in life--I haven't been saying it. The message is getting more and more buried. It's being made less and less important. It is becoming more and more unlikely that any message I have to express... any important thing I have to share in my life... will ever be expressed to those who need to receive it.
If I'm basing my life on this one tiny multi-faceted diamond of truth... and the ability to share it... it's not working.
I have to fight, and claw, and scratch, and yell, and get angry and throw things and battle and mightily struggle... just to share this tiny kernel of gold. The sea of the world's mediocre dreams are rife with duller goals and mediocre waves splashing indifferent seawater, and it's drowning me and my bright little idea.
I know, god damn it, it my heart that there's something important for me to say... but I'm getting angry over the fact that the 'early returns' or 'early projections' for me to ever be able to exquisitely and precisely share my message are low.
I have a unique personal viewpoint that on very few occasions I have successfully been able to put over in my work. But very few. And the audience has always been very small. Attention spans are short... and by God... there are millions and millions of boring voices out there blabbering away with careless pixels and thoughtless paint, telling stories of incredibly banal nonsense. These serve only to dull the senses of potential audiences to any real good work coming from unknown artists.
I can't blame any potential audience for tuning me out, as if my message weren't just simply more blabbering pixels or unintelligible Photoshoppery. But if I don't bust my freakin' ass to get this message of mine out, I will have lived life in vain.
I have to try, God dammit. I have to try and articulate my message much better. And then, I have to unleash the message with such a force that it would knock a good thousand people right over. I have to get to that point. I have to learn how. Because I know there's good stuff inside of there... in that very center of my mind and heart. There's something really awesome is in there, and I need to express it.
I'll either do it or die trying. And it better not take me 50 more years to try.